myblog

wonder if this gets any easier??

It's almost been a month since I lost my mom, and I don't  think I have truley accepted the fact that she is gone, the pain still feels the way it did the min I got the call that she was no longer with us. I still feel numb if I am not constantly keeping my mind busy I am crying, Going places and seeing something that reminds me of my mom I think is the hardest went into petco yesterday to look around and I was fine until we came to the birds and there was a african grey which looked like mojo my moms bird I lost it in the store.. I have also caught myself a few times picking up the phone to call her when i need someone to talk to over a few things just needing her advice her pep talks and realizing it's not going to be her picking up the phone, realizing i got use to her being in wa. and she was just a phone call away and now she isn't. Hating myself not seeing her more when she was down here in nov, or leaving early on her last day down here, and taking for granted that I would have next yr to see her.. I realized to late how close i really was to my mom and how much i still need her, never thought i would feel so lost until now.. My mom was the only parent I had growing up she was the one that raised me I had one of the best moms out there.  I don't know if the days will ever get better, if the pain will ever ease or if the numbness will ever go away I don't even know if it is possible to feel like myself again. But I do know one thing I miss you mom and love you...

.............

Could you feel the love I sent,
In whispered word, Or prayer bent?
Upon my cross as I asked God,
To spare your life for my selfish cause?

So that I could tell you just once more,
"I love you Mommy! " as I had before.
And we could chat like days of old,
Over coffee cups all rimmed with gold.

And laugh and joke, or just to share
some small hurt and perhaps a tear.
To talk of the past, or things yet to do.
To sniffle, and sneeze, and say "Bless You! "

All these dreams now hang in shreds,
As I sit here with bowed down head.
And ponder on these thoughts.

i never thought it was possible to feel as alone as i do now.. i miss my mom - Thursday, February 1

DO NOT TAKE FOR GRANTED THE THINGS CLOSEST TO YOUR HEART. CLING TO THEM AS YOU WOULD YOUR LIFE, FOR WITHOUT THEM, LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. DO NOT LET YOUR LIFE SLIP THROUGH YOUR FINGERS BY LIVING IN THE PAST NOR FOR THE FUTURE. BY LIVING YOUR LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME,YOU LIVE ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE. DO NOT GIVE UP WHEN YOU STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO GIVE. NOTHING IS REALLY OVER UNTIL THE MOMENT YOU STOP TRYING. IT IS A FRAGILE THREAD THAT BINDS US TO EACH OTHER. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ENCOUNTER RISKS. IT IS BY TAKING CHANCES THAT WE LEARN HOW TO BE BRAVE. DO NOT SHUT OUT OF YOUR LIFE BY SAYING IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. THE QUICKEST WAY TO RECEIVE LOVE IS TO GIVE LOVE; THE FASTEST WAY TO LOSE LOVE IS TO HOLD IT TOO TIGHTLY " TAKE WHAT IS IN YOUR HEART AND "SHARE IT WITH THE HEARTS OF "FAMILY AND "FRIENDS. "LOVE IS A "GIFT.

Mom&meee

waking up this morning thinking it was a bad dream, and then reality hit.

Reality hit hard this morning, today was the first day i have felt this alone ever.. Everything running through my mind after getting out of bed, My mom lived in wa state and me in missouri, but i could always pick up the phone and call her and now i don't have that.. As my brother and I talked tonight we spent the whole time crying and talking he reminded me she will always be here to listen to me talk to her. I don't think either of us knew how bad this would hurt, but he also reminded me it's our selfish side that would still want her here.. Knowing that she is at peace now that is not hurting anymore, My brother and I can be thankful for her husband that has been there for the last 11 yrs for her he has been the greatest That is the happiest I had seen my mom was when she met john she moved so far away but it was worth it, to see her happy she loved wa state and john took her to see the pacific ocean i think that was the ocean she hadn't seen and wanted to see it and she did. He was there for her through everything and i hope he knows how much me and my brother apperciate him for that, I have so much i want to write and always have it worded perfectly in my head but when i set down to type it out it never comes out the way i want it to. My mom was one of the strongest women out there, I don't think i ever heard her or seen her break down after she found out she had cancer, She kept living life and didn't let it bring her down she never let the cancer bring her down she fought it the whole time without giving up and she fought it until it was time for her to go home... And even though it hurts more than anything right now i know my mom will always be with me, and i will always keep her memory alive.. This song will always be the song i will listen to when I need comforting, I remember my mom singing this song when i was little and i still can hear sing :) I love you mom...

The Rolling Stones - Angie

The Rolling Stones

I love you mom.. RIP Mommy

You are  my world,
My inspiration and my heart,
But I wasn't ready for you to leave me. 
I feel like i am going to fall apart.

You will always be my best friend,
My one true 'confidante',
And that's not all you were,
You are also my mom.

I don't  want to live without you,
But you would want me to                                                                                                                                   And if there's anyone I want to make happy,
That anyone is you

I would give anything to have you back,
But I know now that it's meant to be,
For you will be watching from up there,
And I know you're watching me.

I'll make you proud mom,
I'm going to fulfill your wish,
You're going to see me and smile,
That's my promise to you mom...

my mom

I remember your brave face through all the pain,
The day you told me and I tried to remain sane.
" I have breast cancer," you said as a matter of fact,
Yet you didn't shed a single tear you stayed intact.
Through out the radiation, chemo, and pill,
You still smiled and had such a strong will.
Your attitude is what carries you on,
The cancer eats at you like a starved disease,
Killing your insides and slowly bringing you to your knees.
But still through it all you still smile,
But sometimes I could see it faltered when you where here, but only for awhile.
I love you mommy with everything I have to offer and give,
Maybe one day they can find a cure and help  people
To still smile and live. 

Mom&meee

praying for my mom

Anyone that is on here that reads my moms blogs you guys know what is going on, she needs a lot of prayers right now..

Happy New Year

 

WRITTEN BY A 15 yr. Old SCHOOL KID IN  ARIZONA:

              New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME) !

              Since the Pledge of Allegiance
              And The Lord's Prayer
              Are not allowed in most
              Public schools anymore
              Because the word 'God' is mentioned....
              A kid in  Arizona  wrote the attached

                           NEW School prayer :

                       Now I sit me down in school
                    Where praying is against the rule
                     For this great nation under God
                     Finds mention of Him very odd.

                   If scripture now the class recites,
                     It violates the Bill of Rights.
                        And anytime my head I bow
                      Becomes a Federal matter now.

                Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
                That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
                The law is specific, the law is precise.
                Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

                      For praying in a public hall
              Might offend someone with no faith at all...

                   In silence alone we must meditate,
                 God's name is prohibited by the state.

              We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

               And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks..
               They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
                 To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

                  We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
                 And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
                It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from
                                 wrong,
                We're taught that such 'judgments' do not
                                 belong.

               We can get our condoms and birth controls,
               Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
                But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
                  No word of God must reach this crowd.

                     It's scary here I must confess,
                 When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
                   So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
                 Should I be shot; My soul please take!
                                  Amen

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

If you want to move on, you have to let go of the past. If you want to change, you have to let go of who you were. If you want to forgive, you have to let go of the hurt. If you say you want something, you have to give something.

 

Christmas is finally over, had a good chritsmas pretty much, Can't belive it's the end of the yr already this yr has went by way to fast.. I really don't have much to say i really don't know what to blog about at this moment.. I guess i check my blogs everyday and my moms, hoping she will have a new blog up or i will have a comment from her, since the main reason i blog is to keep her informed on things that is going on here.. Right now I am wishing i wasnt so far away from her not being able to be there for her right now really bothers me... i wish the cancer would magically disappear or would have never happened. :(

a few things

Have nothing else to do so guess i will blog again.. Start physical therapy next week woohoo... Things are alright there a few things that i could name that have changed since i have had this stroke, 1. i hate going anywhere right now.. 2. i have to write things down now forgetting and not remembering is the bad part of this.. 3. never stray to far from a bathroom cause i cant move as fast i think i can lol... 4. everything is going to be ok cause everything will be back to normal just not soon enough.. 5. i have realized how lucky i am to have such a wonderful guy in my life, not that i didn't know this already but after all this just makess me see it more, and having such a wonderful family... and when i plan on going somewhere if i plan on doing my hair and make up which i don't see happening very often make sure i give a extra hr cause it takes forever lol

Dec16